susan-cain-quiet

A few months into my new ministry, I was having lunch with a friend who was telling me about Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. She is a fellow priest, and I think I was probably having a good moan about how tired I was and how difficult I was finding the transition into my curacy. It wasn’t just the newness of everything that I was struggling with. I was deeply exhausted in a way I never had been before. I had lost weight. My memory was appallingly poor. I couldn’t focus. I was having panic attacks for the first time in years.

She recommended Cain’s book.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am an introvert. In all the times I have ever taken Myers-Briggs tests, I have never once ticked a single box in the extrovert category.

I am not shy, though I used to be as a young girl. I will quite happily (though not without nerves!) preach or preside in front of 150-200 people, but ask me to speak off the cuff in front of half a dozen people and I will freeze. I find one-to-one pastoral encounters far easier than coffee time after church. In meetings prefer to listen first to other people’s ideas and assess them than to immediately put forward my own views. Given a choice between a social gathering and time on my own, I will always – always – choose time on my own. Contemplative prayer feels like prayer; an evangelical praise service feels like an assault.

These are things I’ve always known about myself, and in the work and study that I have chosen, I’ve been able to live pretty solidly within my comfort zone.

In ministry? Not so much.

Until I read Cain’s book, I quite frankly thought I was going to be an abysmal failure at ministry because so much of what had come before – in my childhood, in my years at university, in my training – was language of deficiency, as if being an introvert was a weakness. I was told I was too sensitive and needed to grow a thicker skin or else I would get nowhere in life. I was advised to spend more time with people and work with more groups in order to become a better team player and stronger leader. I was encouraged to fake being an extrovert because if I did, I gradually would become one.

Following this advice has in the past made me ill, both physically and mentally.

But page after page of Quiet held revelations.

It’s obvious that introverts and extroverts need different levels of stimulation. But it’s not that introverts like lower levels of stimulation; they actually become overstimulated more quickly than extroverts because they are more sensitive to sensory stimuli. Crowds of people, intense emotion, lots of activity can all cause overstimulation. So when I read that overstimulation interferes with attention and short-term memory, I realised why I often can’t recall a single conversation I have after church, or why I struggle to speak extemporaneously in certain situations.

Throughout the selection process, I hated talking about leadership because in my mind, I had equated leadership with loud, bossy assertiveness, the model promoted by universities and businesses throughout the western world, a model which made me tremble in fear of having to emulate. I had no idea until I read Quiet that being more interested in others’ ideas than in dominating a situation could be a leadership style. But it is. And it can be quite effective at boosting team morale and motivation because the members of the team feel their contributions are valued.

Cain also acknowledges, however, that introverts often play at being extroverts, sometimes because they have to and sometimes because they see that it is for a greater good. But there is a crucial difference, she writes, between self-monitoring and self-negation. While self-monitoring is adapting behaviour to suit the social demands of a situation, something many of us do to varying degrees, self-negation is the feeling that one’s true self is inadequate for the task required. One of the ways introverts can avoid the self-monitoring slipping into self-negation is by taking the time out they need to remind themselves of who they really are.

And therein lies the wisdom of the book for me. It’s as if Quiet has given me permission both to be myself and to be kind to myself. It was like having a mirror held up to me and being told, ‘This is who you are. This is why you are the way you are. And who you are is good.’ I still don’t always get it right. I still have to live out of my comfort zone. A lot. I still slip into self-negation mode too often. But I am much more conscious of the effect ministry has on me – both positively and negatively – and how best to care for myself in the midst of its stresses and joys. And I am now much more aware of the many ways that being an introvert brings with it certain gifts which make me good at what I do.

9 thoughts on “quiet: on introversion and ministry

  1. I can relate to all of this, even if it has taken me a lifetime to learn it. We can only be ourselves, and what we are is unique, loved children of God. Maybe I should read that book – and read it again.

    Courage.

    1. I cannot recommend it enough, Eammon. I know it sounds a bit strange, but it really helped me to make sense of myself and find peace rather than constantly battling against who I am.

  2. Kate, again you have struck a chord with me – on the Myers-Briggs1-20 extravert-introvert scale, I score 19. (I’ve always wanted to find a 20, sounds as if it might be you!) I’ve also read the book and found it very helpful, especially the leadership aspect. Intravert leaders are more reflective and often have deeper insights into other people and how to draw them out – surely an enabling/empowering ministry? Slightly tongue in cheek question: was Jesus an introvert? Anyone who spent whole nights in prayer, 40 days in a desert and fled across lakes just to get away from the crowds must have a fighting chance…..

    I also well remember my first year (this makes me sound ancient). It felt like being in a tumble drier: quite benign, but every time I thought I’d landed I found I hadn’t, and on and on it went. I found the exhaustion all too familiar, having been in youth ministry before (and hadn’t understood why I felt that way). Nowadays I try to balance people stuff with work on my own in each day, where I get the chance. I still think my greatest weakness in ministry is the inability to recall names and faces, especially as I have many pastoral encounters with people I don’t see again for months or years. I simply cannot connect with that many people. Extraverts have a lot of advantages. And yes, there are the panic times when I realise how much pastoral visiting I haven’t done/people I haven’t kept in touch with. After my first 4 years in ministry, my SD commented that EVERY time I saw her during that 4 years I mentioned my guilt that I struggled so much to do the volume of visiting I felt I should. She also commented that in the last few sessions, I hadn’t – very astute. So I think it gets better, a bit.

    I love knowing yourself and being kind to yourself – thank you for that.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Lynn. The tumble dryer analogy is a good one and certainly resonates with much of my own experience of last year. After reading Quiet, I began like you to try to balance visits and work on my own, and I’m finding a rhythm to the weeks. I try not to do much visiting on a Monday, for example, because the intensity of Sunday leaves me absolutely drained. If I have a week which is particularly intense pastorally, I try to schedule more time on my own the next week, or I make sure I get down to our place in the Borders on my day off to have that extra assurance of space. But the guilt about not visiting enough is something I know well, and I’m trying to be better at not beating myself up about it.

  3. I loved this book. I am more an introvert than extrovert, and have a son and daughter-in-law who are introverts. Introverts are easier to be with over long stretches of time. And they are more likely to be thinkers. As YOU are. I have always had confidence in you. You are the real deal. I look forward to reading your comments in the future.

    1. Pat! It’s so wonderful to hear from you. What a lovely surprise! Without Quest, your support and your mentorship, I would not be where I am. So thank you.

      1. That is very flattering, but you came to Mary Baldwin a remarkable person, and that would have emerged one way or another. I got the info on how to find you through Bob Grotjohn. I am so happy to be back in touch. Pat Hunt

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s